I really liked this and so much resonated with me as a mom in Marin. With my youngest off to college this week, I'm on the other side. While I wouldn't do it differently, parenting in the US is brutal, and our institutions make it harder. In Marin, there are few child care options, no after-school care, no school transportation, a crazy number of special days, minimum days and teacher days - just managing the logistics (especially as a working mom) was exhausting. While we have great schools, it is an inhospitable environment to working moms, and so many highly talented women have left the workforce because it is just too much.
I just want to add (becaue this is my thing), US sprawl and lack of shared social spaces is due to land use policy, not Americans preferring sprawl. Americans pay a large premium for housing in walkable areas/pro-social areas, as compared to car dependent areas. There's just very-little non-car dependent huosing. Why do we have land use policy that goes counter to our desires? Racism, sexism and the car industry.
Part of the rationale of subsidizing suburbization after WWII was to pull women out of the workforce. Moving families away from job centers and into housing that required far more caretaking was an effective tool to force women back into the home. When racial zoning and convenants were outlawed, economic based zoning (separating single family homes from other housing) was found to be a very efficient substitute. And car companies lobbied hard to pull public transport out of cities and suburbs, and they won - LA used to have the best public transit in the world.
I am so sorry but I can't stop laughing at "Their baby became the group baby — at parties, they’d set him up somewhere safe inside where he could sleep and grab a glass of wine." SO French!
I had my first child at 37 and my second at 41. My husband worked at UCLA and donated blood every 2 months, in exchange for a half day off for each donation. He used his blood time to take parenting leave. America! Then he died suddenly and I was a single parent for the rest of my life. Luckily we built a community that believed "it takes a village". We had a Saturday night child care group where all the kids went to one house and the other parents could do whatever they wanted for the evening, and the kids thought it was a party for them. Some of the other parents were more ambitious and competitive for their kids, but my kids never felt deprived by their lack of private music lessons and vacations in Italy. We all had the careers we wanted. Parenting was incredibly challenging, but my now-adult children remember having great childhoods. When the families now gather, all drinking wine, some of the parents regret following my lead to let our kids go to the beach all summer virtually unsupervised (I found an alcoholic surfer dude who ran an unsanctioned "day camp" that is a story of its own) but our kids have excellent life skills that include shooting pool, playing poker, and managing their adult lives. Parenting is not a competitive sport, although many affluent, educated women make a career of advocacy parenting. I look at it from the perspective of a hotel housekeeper or auto worker, and feel like I did an acceptable job as a single parent with a strong network of friends. My children agree.
I wish this could be published in the WaPo to provide a few facts about the reality of parenting in the US in rebuttal to yet another simpleminded column about marriage being a panacea to create healthy, stable families, this latest one by Megan McCardle. These hot takes have been all over WaPo & NYT lately. The people who destroyed the village square and shredded the safety net now want to pretend that if only women would get married everything would be solved. And of course, they blame liberals and women, rather than the economic destruction wrought by conservative policies, for the decline of marriage.
You might consider that when emotionally astute parents talk to non parents, they tend to be reticent about emphasizing the joys of being a parent and instead emphasize the downsides.
Accordingly, your essay may be exaggerating the stresses of being a parent. Or at least not sufficiently balanced by the joys that offset the stresses.
I am a mother who has managed to maintain my friendships in parenthood (I have a 10,000 word chapter on the subject in the book I'm writing) and I couldn't help smiling to myself as I read the story of your friends whose baby slept quietly through parties, and as an older child is now happy to play independently as his parents socialized. The dream, right?
But honestly, I think these things are as much about temperament as they are about culture or parenting style. I produced a play when my son was three months old, and while I was pregnant, my friends and I talked about how I should bring him to the opening night party and I could pass him around to all my friends to hold. Then my son was born, and I quickly realized that the person he actually was couldn't imagine anything WORSE than being passed around to strangers in a dark, loud space.
Instead, the reason I have been able to maintain my friendships is because I have a partner who is willing and able to care for our kid when I meet up with my friends (something that seems to be surprisingly rare), and from the beginning of our son's life, both my husband and I made it a priority to give each other space to maintain a life and identity outside of our family unit. Ie, gender equality, which I know I don't need to tell you is essential to "having a rich, connected, and exciting" life after kids.
Still you're right - and I think The Cut article made this point too - that most people with kids can only maintain these sorts of relationships with so many people. (I go out a lot by "mom" standards, but it's still a lot less than it was before I became a mom.)
And I think you're right that some of the limitations on the number of relationships we can hold - and the frequency with which we can see those people - is embedded in the geography of our cities. By the lack of public spaces, the way we use the public spaces we do have, and the fact that we are geographically spread out all over the place by work, and mobility, and the economics of where we can afford to live. Of my three closest friends in New York right now, one lives a 45-minute subway ride away, another lives a 30-minute bus ride away. The third lives upstairs from me, which is both fortuitous and something we deliberately chose to do - but the distance between me and others doesn't make spontaneous socializing easy.
My parents were in college when I was born in 1962 and I got to be the “group baby” and toddler, which was a great experience for me. (Oops, but yes, they both managed to graduate.) Now in her 80s, my Mom is still close friends with several of those women who had their own babies (who I babysat) years later. At my daughter & son-in-law’s wedding reception bridesmaids & other guests strapped their babies on in their slings and carriers and danced the night away. Part of supporting healthy families could be more multi-generational socializing and a rejection of the idea that any socializing that includes kids has to revolve around them.
I love this. As a first-time mom at 40, I have lived one side of the dichotomy that the NY Mag piece lays out for most of my adult life. I have silently resented phone calls cut short, declines due to nap time, and any kind of kid-related curtail. But I have also experienced friends who have deftly integrated parenthood into their lives and friendships in a way that preserves not only the core parts of our relationship but -- most importantly -- themselves. I have also seen friends swallowed up by their child's perceived needs. I know both are possible and have ruminated on what makes the difference. Now that I have a kid, while everything has inevitably changed, I'm hell bent on holding on to myself and the very dear relationships / aspects of my life I've worked to build. The best new parenting advice I have received is "live your life." A lot easier said than done, but I believe if I stay grounded in myself and what fills me -- including meaningful friendships -- I'll be a better parent.
I found as a young parent, studying in California, we pushed ahead and tried to make things continue to work - bringing our baby to late dinners at restaurants etc. It *was* fucking hard, and more than once invited harsh judgment on us. Over time it just was easier to shift our social life to other student parents (funnily enough, a huge proportion being mormons). And then with further kids we just continued down that easier path in Canada, with a US-lite culture, and I in particular grew quite isolated — but with time I think the needle is moving back, older (and responsible) kids permitting us freedoms to connect to the wider world in new ways. It has also been inspiring to become friends with much older people too, who are living life to the utmost even as they remember grandchildren’s birthdays. Yet still, like you say, how much *easier* it would be if our culture and infrastructure was pro-social
Yes, all true. But don’t forget, parenting is temporary. Now on the other side at 62, my 25-year-old daughter living on the other side of the country with her boyfriend, I miss her! But we’ve also been going out more, moved out of the suburbs, enjoying our freedom again. You figure out what works for you.
Yes, Jill. All of it. There are no easy answers but you outlined all the very real tradeoffs of parenthood...and what it’s like to observe it from the other side.
I really liked this and so much resonated with me as a mom in Marin. With my youngest off to college this week, I'm on the other side. While I wouldn't do it differently, parenting in the US is brutal, and our institutions make it harder. In Marin, there are few child care options, no after-school care, no school transportation, a crazy number of special days, minimum days and teacher days - just managing the logistics (especially as a working mom) was exhausting. While we have great schools, it is an inhospitable environment to working moms, and so many highly talented women have left the workforce because it is just too much.
I just want to add (becaue this is my thing), US sprawl and lack of shared social spaces is due to land use policy, not Americans preferring sprawl. Americans pay a large premium for housing in walkable areas/pro-social areas, as compared to car dependent areas. There's just very-little non-car dependent huosing. Why do we have land use policy that goes counter to our desires? Racism, sexism and the car industry.
Part of the rationale of subsidizing suburbization after WWII was to pull women out of the workforce. Moving families away from job centers and into housing that required far more caretaking was an effective tool to force women back into the home. When racial zoning and convenants were outlawed, economic based zoning (separating single family homes from other housing) was found to be a very efficient substitute. And car companies lobbied hard to pull public transport out of cities and suburbs, and they won - LA used to have the best public transit in the world.
I am so sorry but I can't stop laughing at "Their baby became the group baby — at parties, they’d set him up somewhere safe inside where he could sleep and grab a glass of wine." SO French!
I had my first child at 37 and my second at 41. My husband worked at UCLA and donated blood every 2 months, in exchange for a half day off for each donation. He used his blood time to take parenting leave. America! Then he died suddenly and I was a single parent for the rest of my life. Luckily we built a community that believed "it takes a village". We had a Saturday night child care group where all the kids went to one house and the other parents could do whatever they wanted for the evening, and the kids thought it was a party for them. Some of the other parents were more ambitious and competitive for their kids, but my kids never felt deprived by their lack of private music lessons and vacations in Italy. We all had the careers we wanted. Parenting was incredibly challenging, but my now-adult children remember having great childhoods. When the families now gather, all drinking wine, some of the parents regret following my lead to let our kids go to the beach all summer virtually unsupervised (I found an alcoholic surfer dude who ran an unsanctioned "day camp" that is a story of its own) but our kids have excellent life skills that include shooting pool, playing poker, and managing their adult lives. Parenting is not a competitive sport, although many affluent, educated women make a career of advocacy parenting. I look at it from the perspective of a hotel housekeeper or auto worker, and feel like I did an acceptable job as a single parent with a strong network of friends. My children agree.
I wish this could be published in the WaPo to provide a few facts about the reality of parenting in the US in rebuttal to yet another simpleminded column about marriage being a panacea to create healthy, stable families, this latest one by Megan McCardle. These hot takes have been all over WaPo & NYT lately. The people who destroyed the village square and shredded the safety net now want to pretend that if only women would get married everything would be solved. And of course, they blame liberals and women, rather than the economic destruction wrought by conservative policies, for the decline of marriage.
You might consider that when emotionally astute parents talk to non parents, they tend to be reticent about emphasizing the joys of being a parent and instead emphasize the downsides.
Accordingly, your essay may be exaggerating the stresses of being a parent. Or at least not sufficiently balanced by the joys that offset the stresses.
robertsdavidn.substack.com/about
I am a mother who has managed to maintain my friendships in parenthood (I have a 10,000 word chapter on the subject in the book I'm writing) and I couldn't help smiling to myself as I read the story of your friends whose baby slept quietly through parties, and as an older child is now happy to play independently as his parents socialized. The dream, right?
But honestly, I think these things are as much about temperament as they are about culture or parenting style. I produced a play when my son was three months old, and while I was pregnant, my friends and I talked about how I should bring him to the opening night party and I could pass him around to all my friends to hold. Then my son was born, and I quickly realized that the person he actually was couldn't imagine anything WORSE than being passed around to strangers in a dark, loud space.
Instead, the reason I have been able to maintain my friendships is because I have a partner who is willing and able to care for our kid when I meet up with my friends (something that seems to be surprisingly rare), and from the beginning of our son's life, both my husband and I made it a priority to give each other space to maintain a life and identity outside of our family unit. Ie, gender equality, which I know I don't need to tell you is essential to "having a rich, connected, and exciting" life after kids.
Still you're right - and I think The Cut article made this point too - that most people with kids can only maintain these sorts of relationships with so many people. (I go out a lot by "mom" standards, but it's still a lot less than it was before I became a mom.)
And I think you're right that some of the limitations on the number of relationships we can hold - and the frequency with which we can see those people - is embedded in the geography of our cities. By the lack of public spaces, the way we use the public spaces we do have, and the fact that we are geographically spread out all over the place by work, and mobility, and the economics of where we can afford to live. Of my three closest friends in New York right now, one lives a 45-minute subway ride away, another lives a 30-minute bus ride away. The third lives upstairs from me, which is both fortuitous and something we deliberately chose to do - but the distance between me and others doesn't make spontaneous socializing easy.
My parents were in college when I was born in 1962 and I got to be the “group baby” and toddler, which was a great experience for me. (Oops, but yes, they both managed to graduate.) Now in her 80s, my Mom is still close friends with several of those women who had their own babies (who I babysat) years later. At my daughter & son-in-law’s wedding reception bridesmaids & other guests strapped their babies on in their slings and carriers and danced the night away. Part of supporting healthy families could be more multi-generational socializing and a rejection of the idea that any socializing that includes kids has to revolve around them.
I love this. As a first-time mom at 40, I have lived one side of the dichotomy that the NY Mag piece lays out for most of my adult life. I have silently resented phone calls cut short, declines due to nap time, and any kind of kid-related curtail. But I have also experienced friends who have deftly integrated parenthood into their lives and friendships in a way that preserves not only the core parts of our relationship but -- most importantly -- themselves. I have also seen friends swallowed up by their child's perceived needs. I know both are possible and have ruminated on what makes the difference. Now that I have a kid, while everything has inevitably changed, I'm hell bent on holding on to myself and the very dear relationships / aspects of my life I've worked to build. The best new parenting advice I have received is "live your life." A lot easier said than done, but I believe if I stay grounded in myself and what fills me -- including meaningful friendships -- I'll be a better parent.
I found as a young parent, studying in California, we pushed ahead and tried to make things continue to work - bringing our baby to late dinners at restaurants etc. It *was* fucking hard, and more than once invited harsh judgment on us. Over time it just was easier to shift our social life to other student parents (funnily enough, a huge proportion being mormons). And then with further kids we just continued down that easier path in Canada, with a US-lite culture, and I in particular grew quite isolated — but with time I think the needle is moving back, older (and responsible) kids permitting us freedoms to connect to the wider world in new ways. It has also been inspiring to become friends with much older people too, who are living life to the utmost even as they remember grandchildren’s birthdays. Yet still, like you say, how much *easier* it would be if our culture and infrastructure was pro-social
Oh Jill, as a single woman pushing 60, I really really hope many who considering parenting read this insightful piece!! Thank you.
Yes, all true. But don’t forget, parenting is temporary. Now on the other side at 62, my 25-year-old daughter living on the other side of the country with her boyfriend, I miss her! But we’ve also been going out more, moved out of the suburbs, enjoying our freedom again. You figure out what works for you.
Yes, Jill. All of it. There are no easy answers but you outlined all the very real tradeoffs of parenthood...and what it’s like to observe it from the other side.